Friday, January 30, 2009

I knew it!


One pub quiz question last night was:

If you are standing south of the tropic of capricorn and looking at the sun - does the sun move from your left to right or from your right to left?

When the answer was revealed, a girl at the table next to us could be heard saying "At least we came close!"

Tallest vs dumbest

I recently read an interview with Bao Xishun, the world's tallest, living man. The first question was:
- Have you always been this tall?

Wednesday, January 28, 2009


If a man tells a woman that he's not interested in anything but hanging out, having a few drinks and a chat, we (well, at least I) will take that for what it is - a drink and a chat.

In HK, if a woman tells a man the same thing, she immediately turns into the fox of a hunting party.

I enjoy talking to you but I don't want to lead you on. I don't do married men. So, nothing is going to happen. Nothing. Really. No, really!

And yet they keep pursuing.

Hong Kong is an infidelity buffet, and I'm most definitely a vegetarian.

Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Speaking of cats (I only have 2)

...have I told you that Stinky ate my goldfish? I arrived home one day to find the fish tank empty and a very pleased Stinky sitting next to it, licking her paws. She gave me a guilty look saying: "What? It wasn't me. It was like this when I got here, man!".

The fish were called Lunch and Breakfast. I suppose they were doomed from the start.

How to kill a pick-up

- I'm sorry, I said. I've seen you around but we haven't said hello.

- I know, he replied. I see you all the time.

- Oh.

- Like this morning. Were you wearing your pjs?

- Ehh. Well, it was a matter of life and death.

- How?

- I had a no-cat-food crisis at home. My cats are seriously scary when they're hungry.

- How big are your cats?

- Smaller than average.

- How many do you have?

- 54

[Mental note to myself: must stop walking around in pjs]

Monday, January 26, 2009

A dim sum breakthrough

There's a nasty little dim sum restaurant just a quick hop and skip from my front door. It is run by an evil-looking Chinese woman, who speaks no English and shows an apparent contempt for Gweilos.
I speak no Canto at all, but it's not hard to figure out that the shouting that follows my every take-away order is about me. I'm guessing it's something like:
-That big freak is in here again. Just look at her, her feet are enormous. And what's with the dim sum order at 9.30pm? No one eats dim sum at night. Those Gweilos are so bloody stupid.

In the beginning, I stood idly by as this abuse was going on. The last few weeks though I have been shouting back in the spirit of:
-Yeah, yeah! I know you're talking about me, just get me my order. Come on, hurry up!

This morning, as I popped in to get some early lunch, I was surprised to see the place full of Gweilos. My evil Chinese woman was standing in the corner looking miserable. That was until she saw me. A great big smile spread across her face. From the other side of the room, and in perfect English, she shouted:

Sunday, January 25, 2009

Sunday fun

The recipe for a good disaster movie is:

- One gung-ho fireman/field researcher/police officer.
- One misunderstood scientist, played by a former 90210 cast member.

These two will have a past and therefore not want to work together. Old sparks will ignite however; as we all know, saving the world makes people horny.

- The kid of one of the above – for someone to save.
- One politician to make an unpopular decision and one politician who will refuse to (the latter will not survive the disaster).
- One natural disaster with potential to wipe out THE WHOLE WORLD (which means the US).

In addition it must be at least 5 hours long.

One of my many dark secrets is that I love spending a whole day watching this rubbish! With a 4-day holiday coming up I will be watching the WORLD (US) almost being wiped out by an asteroid, a hurricane, an earthquake, a super storm, another earthquake and erratic plate movements.
In that order.

Night out

It would be highly unfair to call Mother a racist. She doesn't really like anyone. In particular, she resents the idea of one of her daughters ending up with a Muslim. TV says that's bad!

I can't help winding her up though.

- So you're going out with a boy tonight?

- Yep

- Where's he from?

- Not telling

- So he's Chinese.

- No

- So he's Swedish.

- No

- Why won't you tell me?

- Ok, he's from Afghanistan.


- I'm just messing with you. He's from Pakistan.

- WHAT!!! ARE YOU.....

Bless her, so predictable (he was Scottish, don't tell Mum).

Saturday, January 24, 2009

Happy New Year again

Every time someone says Kung Hei Fat Choi to me, I get this urge to reply:
What did you just call me??

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Stalking in reverse

I have one student that I like more than the others. He's incredibly smart, well-spoken and, I must admit, rather easy on the eye. Every Monday when I check what students have signed up, I look out a bit extra for his name. If he's not on my list, I switch classes with a co-worker. This means I see him quite often. Last time, I couldn't help but utter:

-You again! If I didn't know better, I'd think you're stalking me.

Other stalkers could learn from this: make sure the stalkee thinks he or she is the one following you!

My manager thinks I need to get out more.

I should add, perhaps, that I teach grown-ups. This particular student is in his mid-30s.

Still a sucker for a compliment

Snaskefar has paid me another compliment on his blog. I'm guessing he was just stuck for ideas that day but it still makes me as happy as a little a pig in the sunshine.

Sunday, January 18, 2009

Love. part 2

Queen of Lalaland asked me if I was doing another street-sweep for comatosed men tonight.

Nothing good ever happens after 2am

I've stolen this quote from some rubbish American sitcom, but no matter! For the past year of being a singleton, I have lived by this!

The bottom line is, if you haven't made your move by 2am, you might as well leave it for another day. If you have made your move and you're still waiting for something good to happen, it's not going to.

So just go home, tomorrow's another day.

Friday, January 16, 2009


Walking home from my local tonight I found a man sleeping in the street. This is unusual for Happy Valley. I reacted. Upon further examination I discovered that he was a Gweilo, so a clear case of booze overindulgence. I woke him up. Got him back unto his feet. Walked him for a some 50 m. Stuck with him as he threw up, then asked him where he lived.

Some 5 min later he was still unable to tell me. So I said:
- It's bloody cold outside, you can crash at my place.

The reply was the first thing he had said to me so far and the sweetest I have ever heard from a drunk-off-my-face man:

-But, I'm married.

I was saved from having to tell him, that not even if I hit the deepest darkest place of desperation would I pick up a next-to-unconscious man, by my barman, who thankfully swooped in and took over.

Despite the obvious objections, the incident did instill me with some new faith in men.

Wednesday, January 14, 2009


Monday I was in charge of a cheese tasting evening for my students. This evening I took care of wine tasting. Since I've made sure to take home the left overs, I now have 15 types of cheese and 6 half-drunk bottles of wine. I'm having quite a little party here by myself!

American bashing part 3

When I lived in Russia, Yank tourists would often stop me outside the underground station on Nevskij Prospect to ask for directions to the Hermitage. Nevskij Prospekt is a 4 km long road, at which the Hermitage lies on one end. The underground station where I was approached is about 800m from the Hermitage. At least three times I gave directions emphasising that the museum is at the VERY END of the road, then pointing to the opposite end of Nevskij Prospect. Off they went, happily.

I have an evil streak in me!

Tuesday, January 13, 2009


I've been out way past my bedtime tonight for the only reason that a man in my local bar paid me so many compliments that I couldn't possibly leave. It seems that I am intelligent, slightly insane and unbelievably beautiful.

I do like being told all of the above. No hanky-panky followed...but I'm feeling sexy!

Rolling stones

I haven't received updates one way or another but I do believe that my beloved cousin is now a vicar. I am so proud of her. I am proud of her because she's my family but more so for the way she interacts and help people. The Church of Sweden are lucky t0 have her. (she's hot so she could have done very well in porn as well!!)

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Don't get between the Chinese and their food

My students were asked to tell the storyline of a movie.

-It's a really sad movie. It's about a boy, who's a robot. He has no mother. He has no father. He can't eat or drink...

- WHAT!! He can't EAT??

Monday, January 5, 2009

Your name is WHAT? part 3

I have a new student. He's Crap.

World's best

On my teaching roster for the next few weeks, my Friday mornings are scheduled for "PROJECT" rather than lessons. "PROJECT" is my manager's way of saying "I know you'll have a stinking hangover after your Thursday night pub quiz so you can sleep in if you want to".

Smallest little place in the world

So last night I found out that my friend J, who is friends with M, is also a friend of S's, who has met M on more than one occasion. My world is shrinking.

New Year's resolutions

I know, it's passe but I just can't help myself. I suppose it's the self-reflection that comes with every end-of -the-year that makes me want to at least attempt to be a better person. The reality though, is that I pretty much like myself the way I, I'm lazy.
Nevertheless, here's my list of self-improvement(s) for 2009.

1. Get out of bed before 8 am. Opening my eyes to locate the laptop does not count.
2. Go to bed before midnight. Watching The West Wing in bed until 2.30 am does not count.
3. Eat breakfast every day, at least once (every day).
4. Stop thinking of 7 Eleven as a supermarket.
5. Reply to emails and text messages.
6. At least consider trying an illegal substance if offered (I mean, come on!! I'm 32 and squeaky clean!).
7. Make some sort of decision with regards to "what happens next" (to please Mother).

Sunday, January 4, 2009

I'm back

There were flowers waiting for me when I got back. Talk about having the world's best cat sitter!