Friday, January 30, 2009
If you are standing south of the tropic of capricorn and looking at the sun - does the sun move from your left to right or from your right to left?
When the answer was revealed, a girl at the table next to us could be heard saying "At least we came close!"
Wednesday, January 28, 2009
In HK, if a woman tells a man the same thing, she immediately turns into the fox of a hunting party.
I enjoy talking to you but I don't want to lead you on. I don't do married men. So, nothing is going to happen. Nothing. Really. No, really!
And yet they keep pursuing.
Hong Kong is an infidelity buffet, and I'm most definitely a vegetarian.
Tuesday, January 27, 2009
The fish were called Lunch and Breakfast. I suppose they were doomed from the start.
- I'm sorry, I said. I've seen you around but we haven't said hello.
- I know, he replied. I see you all the time.
- Like this morning. Were you wearing your pjs?
- Ehh. Well, it was a matter of life and death.
- I had a no-cat-food crisis at home. My cats are seriously scary when they're hungry.
- How big are your cats?
- Smaller than average.
- How many do you have?
[Mental note to myself: must stop walking around in pjs]
Monday, January 26, 2009
I speak no Canto at all, but it's not hard to figure out that the shouting that follows my every take-away order is about me. I'm guessing it's something like:
-That big freak is in here again. Just look at her, her feet are enormous. And what's with the dim sum order at 9.30pm? No one eats dim sum at night. Those Gweilos are so bloody stupid.
In the beginning, I stood idly by as this abuse was going on. The last few weeks though I have been shouting back in the spirit of:
-Yeah, yeah! I know you're talking about me, just get me my order. Come on, hurry up!
This morning, as I popped in to get some early lunch, I was surprised to see the place full of Gweilos. My evil Chinese woman was standing in the corner looking miserable. That was until she saw me. A great big smile spread across her face. From the other side of the room, and in perfect English, she shouted:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!
Sunday, January 25, 2009
The recipe for a good disaster movie is:
- One gung-ho fireman/field researcher/police officer.
- One misunderstood scientist, played by a former 90210 cast member.
These two will have a past and therefore not want to work together. Old sparks will ignite however; as we all know, saving the world makes people horny.
- The kid of one of the above – for someone to save.
- One politician to make an unpopular decision and one politician who will refuse to (the latter will not survive the disaster).
- One natural disaster with potential to wipe out THE WHOLE WORLD (which means the US).
In addition it must be at least 5 hours long.
One of my many dark secrets is that I love spending a whole day watching this rubbish! With a 4-day holiday coming up I will be watching the WORLD (US) almost being wiped out by an asteroid, a hurricane, an earthquake, a super storm, another earthquake and erratic plate movements.
In that order.
It would be highly unfair to call Mother a racist. She doesn't really like anyone. In particular, she resents the idea of one of her daughters ending up with a Muslim. TV says that's bad!
I can't help winding her up though.
- So you're going out with a boy tonight?
- Where's he from?
- Not telling
- So he's Chinese.
- So he's Swedish.
- Why won't you tell me?
- Ok, he's from Afghanistan.
- WHAT!!! ARE YOU CRAZY? HAVE YOU NOT SEEN "WITHOUT MY DAUGHTER"?
- I'm just messing with you. He's from Pakistan.
- WHAT!!! ARE YOU.....
Bless her, so predictable (he was Scottish, don't tell Mum).
Saturday, January 24, 2009
Tuesday, January 20, 2009
I have one student that I like more than the others. He's incredibly smart, well-spoken and, I must admit, rather easy on the eye. Every Monday when I check what students have signed up, I look out a bit extra for his name. If he's not on my list, I switch classes with a co-worker. This means I see him quite often. Last time, I couldn't help but utter:
-You again! If I didn't know better, I'd think you're stalking me.
Other stalkers could learn from this: make sure the stalkee thinks he or she is the one following you!
My manager thinks I need to get out more.I should add, perhaps, that I teach grown-ups. This particular student is in his mid-30s.
Sunday, January 18, 2009
I've stolen this quote from some rubbish American sitcom, but no matter! For the past year of being a singleton, I have lived by this!
The bottom line is, if you haven't made your move by 2am, you might as well leave it for another day. If you have made your move and you're still waiting for something good to happen, it's not going to.
So just go home, tomorrow's another day.
Friday, January 16, 2009
Some 5 min later he was still unable to tell me. So I said:
- It's bloody cold outside, you can crash at my place.
The reply was the first thing he had said to me so far and the sweetest I have ever heard from a drunk-off-my-face man:
-But, I'm married.
I was saved from having to tell him, that not even if I hit the deepest darkest place of desperation would I pick up a next-to-unconscious man, by my barman, who thankfully swooped in and took over.
Despite the obvious objections, the incident did instill me with some new faith in men.
Wednesday, January 14, 2009
When I lived in Russia, Yank tourists would often stop me outside the underground station on Nevskij Prospect to ask for directions to the Hermitage. Nevskij Prospekt is a 4 km long road, at which the Hermitage lies on one end. The underground station where I was approached is about 800m from the Hermitage. At least three times I gave directions emphasising that the museum is at the VERY END of the road, then pointing to the opposite end of Nevskij Prospect. Off they went, happily.
I have an evil streak in me!
Tuesday, January 13, 2009
I've been out way past my bedtime tonight for the only reason that a man in my local bar paid me so many compliments that I couldn't possibly leave. It seems that I am intelligent, slightly insane and unbelievably beautiful.
I do like being told all of the above. No hanky-panky followed...but I'm feeling sexy!
Tuesday, January 6, 2009
Monday, January 5, 2009
Nevertheless, here's my list of self-improvement(s) for 2009.
1. Get out of bed before 8 am. Opening my eyes to locate the laptop does not count.
2. Go to bed before midnight. Watching The West Wing in bed until 2.30 am does not count.
3. Eat breakfast every day, at least once (every day).
4. Stop thinking of 7 Eleven as a supermarket.
5. Reply to emails and text messages.
6. At least consider trying an illegal substance if offered (I mean, come on!! I'm 32 and squeaky clean!).
7. Make some sort of decision with regards to "what happens next" (to please Mother).