Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Give me a carrot

I'm putting myself through a self-imposed detox/health kick. After months of minimal energy levels and feeling under the weather, I have decided that drastic measures are required. It's fascinating how a healthy lifestyle is really very good for your health.


R suggested that perhaps I ought to start introducing him as "my boyfriend" rather than some nondescript person I just bumped into. The conversation sent me into a complete "Wohoo, there's my bus - gotta run!" state.

Ironically, I have actually referred to him as "my boyfriend" a number of times when he's not been around. Now that we are officially adding labels, however, I can't help but feel that I'm sitting in a moving roller-coaster not entirely sure if I like speed.

Time will tell.

Friday, March 27, 2009

Thursday, March 26, 2009

You're welcome!

It's good to know that my kind are still appreciated in some places.

Wednesday, March 25, 2009

Did you sit on the football?

Hong Kong is getting ready for the Rugby 7s. Out in Mong Kok, students and staff return to the centre with reports of player sightings in the area. Not knowing much about the players, or the teams, or the sport for that matter, we all still rush out onto the street hoping to spot one. We're like ornithologist chasing rare breeds.
Personally, I have discovered a definite physical attraction to Pacific Islanders. A fact, you might think, that I ought to have realised some 13 years ago when I lived in Hawaii.
I can be a bit slow on the uptake.

Monday, March 23, 2009

Planet of the Danes

UK Government X-files have been released.
In them one can read that the top secret MoD Department, was in 1989 investigating the claims by a Norwich-based woman that she had had a conversation with an alien. She described the alien as having a Scandinavian accent. What the Government Department concluded did not follow the story, but I think we can be pretty certain that "the alien" was in fact a drunk Dane. It's an easy mistake to make.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Do not sponsor me

It's that time of the year again, when my mailbox fills up with "sponsor me" requests. On principle I never sponsor anyone, with anything. Not a sausage!

Why not you might wonder. Well...

1) I think the very vast majority of the physical challenges people sign up to do are stupid and ill-advised. Especially running a marathon. Why would I ever want to encourage my friends to participate in something that will damage knees and joints; not to mention hold up traffic for the better part of a day?

2) I find it immensely irritating that people have to justify their stupidity by pretending to be running for a charitable cause. It's hypocritical. No one runs a marathon for someone else. It a stupid enough thing to do for yourself, let alone for someone who isn't even around to laugh at you as you collapse on the finishing line.

3) I applaud the willingness to raise money and awareness for a charitable cause. However, if this was indeed the main motive, rather than a selfish need to feel a false sense of accomplishment, a simple donation request without attachment would do just fine. I don't understand why my friends think I am more likely to donate money because they promise to torture themselves for a few hours.

I once offered to match the total amount raised, if my friend returned the sponsor money and didn't run the marathon. I even told her I'd throw in an extra GBP20. She ran anyway.

I give monetary support to a Girls' School in Rajasthan. It is a fantastic cause where every cent goes towards building a brighter future for a few hundred girls otherwise condemned to a poverty-stricken and illiterate life. If anyone would like to give a donation, feel free to get in touch.

I promise I will not run, climb, trek or in any other way physically exert myself just because I'm passing on your money.

Friday, March 20, 2009

Moving water

The Telegraph has posted an absolute gem of a listing today with the top 20 stupid questions tourist asked by tourists.

It includes queries such as; why they built Windsor Castle on the flight path of Heathrow; if there were any undiscovered ruins in the area; who's performing in the circus on Piccadilly; and what direction north is in Australia.

S and I were recently blessed with another fantastic question of similar caliber. Discussing Victoria Harbour and the problems of flooding in HK one lovely girl asked;

- So why can they not just move the water in the harbour?

-.................Well, it's not a lake. It's part of the Pacific Ocean.

- Yeah, so can they not just shift some water to the rest of that ocean?

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Too much sleep and not enough wine...no, wait!

I ended up having a very spontaneous boozing session last night and arrived at work somewhere between "still drunk" and "sobering up". At this level I laugh hysterically at pretty much everything. I also talk non-stop. I then laugh hysterically at my own jokes. It makes my students feel like superstars.

In my lesson I asked, How many letters are there in the English alphabet?

One student replied; 24, ET has gone home.
I'm still laughing.

The hangover had better kick in soon!

Tuesday, March 17, 2009

Career moves

- So how comes you're looking for a new job?
- Well, my job isn't very outgoing. I would like to meet more strange people.
-...you mean "strangers".
- Is there a difference?
- Rarely.

Thursday, March 12, 2009

Memorising rubbish

The Thursday Night Pub Quiz is turning me into an insane person. I just checked the cricket news!

Wednesday, March 11, 2009

Wednesday fun

Here's a little quiz for my bored readers. It shows snapshots of computer programmers and serial killers. Your task is to guess which one is which.

Programmer or Killer?

Tuesday, March 10, 2009

Oldest problem in the book

On my second day as a TV owner, I have been struck with an age-old problem - there is nothing to watch!

67 channels, and not one is particularly interesting. I feel cheated.


I have finally given in and bought a TV. Never having been much of a TV person, I can remember every single TV I've owned.

My first TV was red and had belonged to my auntie. It was old already in 1994. Instead of a remote control I used a long stick, made out of rulers and pens duck-taped together.

My second TV was a birthday present from my friends in Russia. It was black-and-white and smelled like gasoline. In addition to being a TV, it also served as a home to Igor, my pet cockroach. It was the only TV in the corridor, so my flat became a gathering place for important events such as the Eurovision Song Contest and the Ice Hockey World Championships.

My third TV, P gave me for Christmas because he couldn't stand that coming over to my place meant missing East Enders, Coronation Street and other important soaps.

TV number 4 is now sitting in my flat. Hooked up to my CD-thingie, which is really a pretty cool sound system, I'm liking it!

Monday, March 9, 2009


Mother's attempts to have me move home and produce grandchildren has reached a new low-point. She is threatening to sign me up for the Swedish docusoap "Farmer seeks Wife".

- Are you insane? I asked her.

- But, you like animals!

- Cats and dogs, yes. I'm scared of cows!

- You'll get over it.

The future of cosmetics

The other day I bought a vibrating mascara. Well, the brush vibrates, not the mascara itself. Supposedly it gives you longer lashes. I can tell no difference. The only difference is a new-found nervousness as I am not entirely comfortable with the idea of putting a vibrating brush next to my eye.

This mascara is joining an already established line of vibrating bathroom products - toothbrushes, razors, nail files.
The next step will surely be to find solutions for making the toiletries themselves vibrate.
Vibrating Shampoo - no hands needed!
Vibrating Toothpaste - no brush needed!
Vibrating Nail polish - you're going to miss anyway!
Vibrating Body lotion...

I'm trying to keep it clean but I'm sure your filthy minds can think of less pure-of-mind applications.

Devil's in the details

It's always those little things that annoy me.

If you every day buy take-away food from the same place, and one day you arrive to work without chopsticks. When my morning cafe forgets to send along a spoon with my yoghurt. When my fresh orange juice is so clearly not fresh.

It's insignificant! I would never dream of going back to complain. It's never going to change. I will always need a spare set of chopsticks.

I feel like I've hit a wall.

Friday, March 6, 2009

Wednesday, March 4, 2009


I had a complete Crash, Boom, Bang moment tonight.

Unfortunately, I ran into the same guy a few hours later when he was drunk stupid and it all turned into bang, boom, crash.


Monday, March 2, 2009

Just a talking monkey now

I'm a great decision maker in business. I'm a notoriously bad decision maker in private. I therefore recently decided to outsource Marie's decision making. I thought it would make my life more enjoyable.
My friend objected:
So you have incapacitated yourself! Is this not a bit drastic? Just to avoid getting into an argument.
I don't think so. I have bananas.

Sunday, March 1, 2009

Stinky the Fish

I was watching Prison Break last night, and Stinky-the-cat, who was snuggled up next to me, must have been inspired.

As I opened the front door today, Stinky launched herself past my feet and into the corridor. Once there she rushed past the lift, searching for her get-out. A minute or so later, she realised she was trapped and strolled back with a disappointed look on her little face.

I picked her up, gave her some treats and reminded her that the boys on the TV were much better prepared. I also asked if she really thought of our home as a prison.

She gave me a look that I interpreted as:

"More like a psych-ward. Dude, you're talking to a cat!"