How to Open a Coconut

Happy New Year

2011-01-07T13:04:00.001+08:00

Here's something that you might want to consider in 2011.

The right one or the left one?

2010-12-31T14:28:00.003+08:00

My collegue B shared this story with me.

B: So...what did you do yesterday?
Student: I played with my nipple.
B: Right...do you mean "nephew".
Student: Ah, yes! I played with my nephew.
B: That's nice.

Not herpes.

2010-12-30T17:09:00.002+08:00

I've been in and out of the hospital since November time. First with pneumonia, then with disfunctioning kidneys (as a result of the pneumonia). Apart from the hospital bill, it hasn't been an altogether unpleasant experience. I've felt pretty good throughout and it was mainly boredom that bothered me.

Curiosity is the cure for boredom, as Dorothy Parker said (although adding that there's no cure for curiosity), so one morning I decided to take a little walk through the hospital ward. Passing the other private rooms, I tried to peak through the doorways at my fellow patients. I couldn't help but wonder what they were in for.

"Room M04, Syfilis. Room M05, Warts. Room M06, Compulsive Overeating. Room M07, Penis Envy". I found it amusing to come up with highly embarrassing conditions that might or might not land you on my ward. Just as these thoughts were running through my head, a sudden realisation made me stop dead in my tracks. If I could think up embarrassing conditions for other patients, perhaps they were doing the same for me?! I forced myself into a coughing fit and struggled back to my room, making sure every room was aware that my ailment was in some way respiratoral.

When I got back to my bed, I felt quite pleased about only having a very respectable dose of pneumonia. I thought to myself: "Well, I might be bored but at least I haven't got constipation, hyperhidrosis, irritable bowel syndrome, menorhaggia, trichotillomania nor any version of an STD. I'm a lucky, lucky girl!"

Honker Hobbies #3

2010-12-22T11:27:00.003+08:00

The third most popular hobby in Hong Kong is EATING.

The venue of choice for this activity is the Hotel Buffet - a scrumptious, bacteria-infested spread that every self-respecting hotel offers to the public for the reasonable prize of $100-$600, depending on the time of the day and the food on offer.

To participate it's important to follow certain guidelines:

1. Focus on the most expensive foods first. Oysters, lobster, crab, sashimi and smoked salmon are all good value for money so make sure to fill your plates with these.

2. The hotel might not re-stock the items mentioned above so make sure you RUN to the seafood section as soon as the buffet opens. Cut in line if you have to.

3. A plate is not full unless food threaten to fall off the sides. You don't have to finish everything on your plate but the more you take, the more value you're getting for your money!

4. Don't worry about taking breaks in the eating to talk to your friends. You can talk and eat at the same time. Speak up! They might not hear you even though they're right next to you!

5. When the buffet is finally running out of food - get out of the restaurant as fast as you can. No point hanging around chatting with people - you went there to eat - mission accomplished!

Marie Swede isn't a great fan of this particular hobby. She sulks around the buffet thinking to herself "...and they haven't even got meatballs".

Cat Power

2010-12-21T20:59:00.003+08:00

In class today:

If you had to be stranded on an island for a month, who would you bring with you and why? You can choose between The Queen, Hu Jintao, E.T., Leonardo Dicaprio, Hello Kitty and the Dalai Lama.

Student: Hello Kitty because she is interesting.

Me: ....and the others are not?

Student: Mmmm...no.

Me: What would you talk to her about?

Student: I would say Hello!

Me:....Kitty? For a whole month?

Student: Yes.

Ok then!

Ageing

2010-12-21T16:33:00.004+08:00

Mother likes to remind me that I'm getting older. She often starts her arguments with:
Marie, you're almost 40!

I'm pretty sure last birthday was only my 34th so that one doesn't fly! It's merely an attempt to stop me from having fun.

The truth about relationships.

2010-12-21T14:48:00.003+08:00

One of my students told me he was saving up money to get a girlfriend. I obviously asked him if he was buying one. The truth wasn't far off.
Girls in Hong Kong expect the guy to pay for absolutely everything. Ok, so this is a country where it's fine to have a dinner date in McDonalds, but with a national average salary of HK$12,000, even that can get costly for a young guy in his first job.

It's not just dinner, he told me, it's bus tickets, cinema, and then all the presents. To keep a girlfriend happy, he expected to be spending at least HK$800 a month on gifts for her. More at Christmas, birthdays and Valentine's. In order to afford this in the long-run, he'd made a plan to save up around HK$5000 before making his move.

What will she bring to the relationship? I wondered.
She should be pretty...and kind, he replied honestly.

I was a bit horrified at first but I've now started to appreciate the simplicity of the matter.
He will buy her presents; she will be pretty and kind. Why complicate things?

A while back a different student asked me:
Marie, you're really highly educated, why are you not married?
I didn't really know what to reply then, but now I know what to say:
I don't really like McDonalds.

Hello again.

2010-12-21T14:04:00.007+08:00

I've not visited here for almost a full year. You started to bore me, dear blog, and I found that I enjoyed painting and...sleeping more than updating you. The year's almost up though so perhaps I ought to tell you what I've been up to.

First I ended a terrible relationship. Entering into it in the first place was the only big mistake I've made in my life. I don't think one should go through life without making a few mistakes so it really was about bloody time. I learned that I can hold a grudge.

I made a triumphant journey to Nepal, where I trekked up a mountain, hang-glided off another mountain, rafted through rivers, camped out on a river bed, rode elephants, wrestled with rhinos and got drunk with a local band in Katmandu.

I moved again. This time I left Hong Kong Island for the quiet surroundings of Tai Po. I found a tiny little village without shops or regular bus services, right on the waterfront with a gorgeous mountainous backdrop. There I am the only gweilo and an object of much curiosity. People smile and nod when they see me, and push their kids forward hoping for free English tutoring.

I found a new local with lots of decent people. I also found another local where people are not so decent but the food is. I started singing karaoke on a frequent basis. I discovered that I'm a really terrible singer. I found friends that (also) think it's perfectly reasonable for a party to go on until lunchtime the next day.

I managed to squeeze in a short trip home to see my Granny, and a weekend trip to Vietnam to see the Vietnamese.

I caught pneumonia and had to stay in hospital for a week. It was boring.

I messed up the Christmas meatballs again this year.

A visit to the doctor's

2010-03-04T14:57:00.001+08:00

Doctor: So do you want me to give you rabies?
Me: Eum...yes! (desperately hoping she's referring to the vaccine against it)

I'm being vaccinated against everything in Nepal.

Pokeaneyeout

2010-02-18T18:39:00.002+08:00

In Japan it's supposedly NOT illegal to hit someone with chopsticks.

This feels strange. Surely it's illegal to hit people, chopsticks or no chopsticks??

No, NO - I pressed the WRONG BUTTON!!

2010-02-17T14:25:00.003+08:00

There's a new (?) Swedish website dedicated to text messages that were sent to the wrong person http://www.felsms.com/

We've all done it.

My favourite is one that reads:

"Have you seen Linnea's baby? I was almost scared. You could see the veins through the skin on its head. A bit like an alien. And then he looked like his father and that's not exactly good news either."

Let's just say that Linnea was not impressed.

Chinese Style Conservation

2010-02-10T13:45:00.003+08:00

The sad part of the story is really how long it took me to draw, scan, rotate and upload this flowchart!

Dumbo

2010-02-09T21:00:00.003+08:00

Me: So...do we have any endangered animals here in Hong Kong?

Class: (blank faces)

Me: We have one.

Class: (blank faces)

Me: It's pink.

Class: (blank faces)

Me: It lives in water.

Class: (blank faces)

Me: No? You don't know of any endangered pink animals, living in water, in Hong Kong?

Student: Ah, ELEPHANT!

Me: Yes, that's right. The pink, swimming elephant of Hong Kong is indeed endangered!

Loony L

2010-02-03T12:23:00.000+08:00

I have a new American co-worker - L. I say American, but I actually think she immigrated there from Loonyland!

From Loonyland she moved to Kalihi, a small town outside Honolulu, Hawaii. I know this place very well as I’ve also lived there once upon a time.

L: Oh, so did you ever see the ghost of that Japanese woman who used to stand by the petrol station?

Me: No, I never saw her.

L: Really, you never saw her? She was there all the time.
(This should be read in the same tone as I would ask someone: Really, you didn’t know that grass is green?)

Me: Must not have been paying attention.

L: Oh, but what about on Pali Highway, did you ever cross over?

Me: Yes, yes. Many times.

L: So did you see the ghosts of the 100 Hawaiians up there.

Me: Hmmm…no I don’t think so…and that’s strange because I used to hike up there.

L: My father worked for the IRS and there were lots of ghosts in their offices.

Me: This I can see.

She’s completely bonkers – I love her!

Alternative Hobbies

2010-01-26T12:46:00.003+08:00

Athletic teenage boys in my hometown of Kalmar (Sweden), are being harassed by a man the media has named "Kick-in-the-Balls-Johan". Kick-in-the-Balls-Johan has been contacting a number of boys offering money in return for being kicked in the balls. One 17-year-old told the papers that Kick-in-the-Balls-Johan had requested no less than 15 kicks in his balls. In addition, he has shown interest in facebook photographs, particularly of feet.

I'm not judging- we all need to get our kicks somehow!
http://www.expressen.se/Nyheter/1.1857822/pungsparks-johan-harjar-i-kalmar-trakten

Tippex Air

2010-01-22T12:19:00.004+08:00

I'm booking my flight to Nepal today. I'll be flying Nepal Airlines. Nepal Airlines used to be known as Royal Nepal Airlines but since Nepal is no longer a monarchy, the "Royal" bit has been dropped.

I'm not sure, but I would imagine that most airlines would undertake an airplane re-painting following a name change. The Nepalese are far more pracitcal.

BEFORE

AFTER

Working hard or hardly working.

2010-01-19T13:59:00.004+08:00

I haven't got the toughest job in the world. I prefer to think of it as a job with lots of time for creative activities - like watching TV, reading, talking rubbish...

...or as my co-worker so elegantly put it:

-"Well, I suppose I have to get on with not doing anything"

Call me again in February.

2010-01-19T11:04:00.004+08:00

The Queen of Lalaland phoned me up on Saturday evening. I was in bed.

Q: You're sleeping? At mightnight! On a Saturday!

M: Yes, I know it's unusual but I'm not drinking this month so I haven't really got anything to do.

Q: Still doing the January white month then?

M: Yep. Trying my best at least.

Q: You know, NOT drinking AT ALL for a month matters little when you drink every day for the rest of the year.

M: I'm happy in my delusion. Please go away until next month.

Making progress...

2010-01-12T12:49:00.002+08:00

Three years in to my stay in Hong Kong, I can now proudly announce that I have finally learned to recognise my first Cantonese squiggle. My lunch time escapades will be so much easier from now on.

雞 = Chicken

For sale...

2009-06-27T10:42:00.001+08:00

OXYGEN TENT

Old name, same person.

2009-06-24T11:59:00.004+08:00

After much consideration, I decided some two weeks ago that it was time to make that name change after all. It's the hassle of it that's kept me this long.

My first choice, as suggested by Fiore, was Hammer (as in MC Hammer), but in the end I decided that I really rather like my maiden name.

Hence my blog address ought to change. This is not going to happen. It will be one of those things I won't bother with for years to come. Officially though, as of this morning, I am a Nilsson again.

It's like coming home to an open fire, a cup of hot chocolate and Ivanhoe showing on TV.

Rhetorical questions.

2009-06-23T13:30:00.002+08:00

Grandma Simpson and Lisa are singing Bob Dylan's "Blowin' in the Wind" ("How many roads must a man walk down/Before you call him a man?"). Homer overhears and says, "Eight!"

Lisa: "That was a rhetorical question!"

Homer: "Oh. Then, seven!"

Lisa: "Do you even know what 'rhetorical' means?"

Homer: "Do I know what 'rhetorical' means?"

Limitless

2009-06-18T16:27:00.006+08:00

I've got a new friend, who has the outstanding quality of being up for absolutely everything. I have been testing her limits with suggestions for sailing courses, camping trips and half-marathon races. Her reply remains: Sure, I can do that with you!

I have now decided to step it a notch. Tonight I will suggest a spending a night in a swamp, watching the feeding patterns of dung beatles. If that doesn't put her off, I will bring her to a stinky tofu lunch in Mong Kok.

Finnish Mint Vodka

2009-06-12T12:36:00.006+08:00

Cousin C recently went to a party. It was her sister-in-law's 30th birthday and not knowing anyone particularly well, she ended up a bit outside the centre of events. She was joined in her corner by another "outsider", and the two of them soon started laughing at their own awkwardness in not wanting to mingle.

"Perhaps we should just get drunk?" the boy suggested. C thought this seemed like a reasonable idea and asked him to produce his poison of choice.

A bottle of Finnish Mint Vodka appeared.

After what C puts down as "roughly 15 min later", she went home.

Waking up without a hangover and no apparent memory gaps, she was really surprised when told "OMG, you were SO drunk last night!!"

The "roughly 15 min" had in reality been many hours. She had spent those hours wobbling around the party, talking to herself.

"I do recall that the girl who drove me home looked strangely at me a few times, so I suppose it's possible that it went down that way".

In her typical chilled attitude she thought whatever Finnish Mint Vodka does to you it couldn't be all that bad...

"...for all the times I've woken up wishing that I didn't remember what I got up to the night before!!"

Wasn't me!!

2009-06-10T17:25:00.005+08:00

The Hong Kong Chinese never make mistakes. Ever!
If nevertheless, a mistake has been made, that mistake is someone else's. Owning up to ones failures is not desirable. Ideally, one should avoid making decisions all together.

Let me illustrate:

I received an email from our HK head office today informing us that a member of staff has taken ill with H1N1. The email was forwarded by a person called "Sarah Wang" (this is not her name). The original email was written by a "Zoe Choi" (this is not her name). Within minutes, we received a second email, again from "Sarah Wang" entitled "EMAIL FROM ZOE":

Please kindly be reminded that the email Zoe sent out one hour ago should be treated as an internal communication and should not be forwarded to external contacts. We are in our peak sales season and do not need to draw unnecessary attention to this unfortunate situation. Thank you for your cooperation.

You can see it, can't you??
"Let's blame Zoe, the stupid bitch, for sending me an email that I then took it upon myself to email to THE ENTIRE OFFICE without spending 10 sec to think about it first. It was SO HER FAULT!!"

Risky

2009-06-10T17:17:00.003+08:00

My workplace is conveniently located on the street in Mong Kok, where the three recent acid attacks have taken place.

My company has also just announced (internally) that one of our employees is in hospital being treated for H1N1.

This seems like a good time to start negotiations for a high-risk bonus to be added to my salary.

4th June, 1989

2009-06-04T16:47:00.007+08:00

You know, I had never heard of the Tiananmen Square incident until I moved to Hong Kong five years ago, one of my students told me today.
She's from Tsing Dao, the beer producing capital of China, and old enough to remember the events of 1989.

So, what are your thoughts?, I asked.

It's hard to say. I think it's terrible... but the protests didn't make any difference so what was the point?, she answered shrugging her shoulders slightly.

Many of my mainland students share the same attitude. Objecting to the system is not going to make any difference, so let's just go with it and hope for the best.
Are they right? Well, twenty years on, improvement have been made.

The Chinese Government might prefer doing things at snail-speed, but the country is nevertheless set on a course of change. The economic strenght is upgrading the general standard of living. Things "foreign" are the subject of careful curiosity. The Chinese are the fastest growing group of international travellers. Kobe Bryant and LeBron James sell more basketball tops in China than Yao Ming. Prison Break is a hit TV show.
The break hits bottom, though, when communication outside of governmental control is attempted. Watch American TV, support Manchester United, learn English...but your thoughts and ideas are not to be shared with others.

Ten years ago, the Tiananmen Square was closed for visitors. Today it's open.

Twitter, Flickr and Hotmail, however, are blocked.

Tongue of dog

2009-06-01T14:01:00.002+08:00

The problem with having a cough (which I still do) is my students' insistence on offering me various witch doctor brews. I have a lot of respect for Chinese medicine. I have very little respect for the vast majority of Chinese pharmacies plonked all over Mong Kok. I know, because I've read it in a newspaper, that most pharmacists are not qualified and their remedies closely resembles hocus pocus.
If it was just eye of newt to worry about, I wouldn't mind sipping away. This is China though - balls of tiger is just too much!

I'm going to see my drug-pushing doctor instead.

Early bird

2009-05-27T17:41:00.003+08:00

The attentive reader will have noticed that back in January, I made a resolution to start getting out of bed before 10am. This has mainly manifested itself in me waking up, checking the time, feeling pleased that I've woken up at 7.30am, then turning over and going back to sleep.

Tomorrow, however, us Honkers are celebrating the Tuen Ng festival. Some celebrate this by racing dragon boats. Others, by sitting around on the beach, watching the dragon boaters whilst drinking beer. As I am more inclined towards the beer drinking (plus I'm convinced that my bum is really too big to fit into a dragon boat), I will doing so only from a junk boat, on a safe distance from the sweating and racing.

The boat leaves at 08.45. So it seems I'll be dragging myself out of bed before 8am at least once this year.

Result!

I'm ill!

2009-05-26T10:13:00.004+08:00

I've been struck by what is commonly referred to as a Marie-cough. It tends to happen every two years or so and sticks with me for months. It sounds terrible, it hurts terribly and it gives my voice a very "Louis Armstrong with a bad cold"-esque zing to it.

In these times of H1N1 hysteria, I have been asked if I have a pig cold, trotteritis, porkmonia, bacon flu, and S suggested getting some oink-ment.
Oh, the fun never ends!

Lunchbox

2009-05-19T16:03:00.002+08:00

I have finally found a place in Mong Kok that sells Fish Head Bento boxes. Yummy!

Mother and the black man

2009-05-19T11:40:00.006+08:00

Mother has been to a fortune teller. I know something is up when Mother calls and in one single breath says:

- How are you, good, yes, Stinky & Smelly are ok and the weather is hot, right, what are you doing, do you want to hear something?

She then summarises the why and how she met with this fortune teller, followed by a run-down of predictions for various family members.

- Do you want to know what she said about you?
- Do I have a choice?
- Well, if you don't want to know...
- ...you'll tell me anyway!
- You're going to have babies!
- Ok. That's reasonable.
- With a black man.
- ...there are very few of them in Hong Kong.
- But isn't it fantastic?
- Well, this black man, is he nice, intelligent...a good father?
- Oh, what does that matter - BABIES!

Ever since she has been obsessing over this black man who will father my children.

- What have you done this weekend?
- I went to a party on Friday.
- Was the black man there?
- No. I went on a date on Saturday.
- With the black man?
- No.

She's insane.

Plain speaking Part 2

2009-05-19T11:28:00.004+08:00

This morning I received the following comment to the entry below.

The blog post "Plain Speaking" is transmogrifying, albeit partiallyfrasmotic. After a diraspoculate period of pericombobulation, I willtest run the maristostriculations, probably intrafrastically.

I understood very little of it, and could find few of the words when resorting to google. I did however find frasmotic, which for now is my new favourite word. Accoriding to the Urban Dictionary it means:

To be woefully incapable of expressing your sincere apologies for worrying you to the point you are furious enough to rip the testicles off a wild bull, with your body wrapped entirely in red satin.

This is so useful I don't see how I've lived this long without knowing it.

Plain speaking

2009-05-18T13:04:00.004+08:00

Next time you're having an argument with your partner, try saying:

You know, your attitud of floccinaucinihilipilification towards me is really unfair. I am nothing but honorificabilitudinitatibus.

(S)c(r)atching on

2009-05-13T14:42:00.004+08:00

On the MTR (the tube, the metro, the subway) yesterday I saw a man scratch his nose. This immediately made my nose itch. As soon as I had started scratching mine, the woman opposite joined in (scratching her own nose, not mine), and her movement was imitated by the man sitting next to me.

Reading this entry will be your biggest waste of time today. So now things can only get better!

Porkstop

2009-05-13T14:31:00.003+08:00

When you want a Hong Kong mini-bus to stop and let you off you should say something like su-poi. I never do, I use English.
My co-worker, on the other hand, makes a real effort speaking Cantonese. He knows about 10, 15 words or so and uses them to express pretty much every wish and feeling. When he wants the mini-bus to stop he says du-pai. Du-pai means pork chop.

Pork chop, please! This is my stop.

It still seems to work.

Smoked or fired

2009-05-07T16:36:00.002+08:00

From BBC

A Chinese county has rescinded a rule urging its government workers to smoke more in order to boost tax income.

The authorities in Gong'an county had told civil servants and teachers to smoke 230,000 packs of the locally-made Hubei brand each year.

Those who did not smoke enough or used brands from other provinces or overseas faced being fined or even fired.

But the government has now backtracked from the policy, after a report in a local newspaper generated criticism.

http://news.bbc.co.uk/2/hi/asia-pacific/8033101.stm

Hiking with Mother

2009-05-07T11:53:00.005+08:00

I hadn’t heard of the concept hiking until I moved to the US in 1996. I was fascinated by this hiking activity that everyone was talking about. What was it? What did you need to do it? I had been camping of course, but although this hiking seemed to involve an awful lot of equipment, tent or sleeping bags were not requirements.
I remember my disappointment after my very first hike, up the Diamond Head Crater.
So it’s like a…long walk, really?

Growing up in close proximity to forests, it had never occurred to me that people planned days out to walk through them, bringing picnics and purposely designed shoes. The forest was to me a shortcut to the supermarket, a playground, the arena where “Who Can Stand Longest on Top of an Ant Hill” was decided between my brother and the other boys.

The only longer walks that I remember undertaking, was when Mother dragged me off into one of the darker corners, only to announce that she was now lost and I had to lead the way. These little games of her's were designed to make sure I could always find my way back home. I am sure they contributed not only to my very good sense of direction, but also my general self-confidence.

As devoted Mother was to making sure I would never be lost, by the time my youngest sister were born, she was tired of pacing off into the woods with a feet-dragging child behind her.
It shows too! My youngest sister may be the brainiest of us, but she can get lost in broom cupboard.

On hobbies

2009-05-06T11:25:00.001+08:00

I have thousands of hobbies.
My whole life is a bit like 8th grade’s “Try-an-Activity Day". One week I’m a tennis player, the next a sailor, the next I’m a wine sommelier or a kick boxer.
I’ve been criticised in the past, for never sticking with anything, but I’m actually sticking with being constantly curious.

Painting

2009-05-04T23:58:00.002+08:00

I've started painting. Oil and canvas, turpentine and mess. Mainly abstracts since I can't draw to save my life. Big, painful blurs, as I don't know the first thing about colour composition.

I sold a painting. I sold it to a guy who needed a wedding present for his brother. I've come to suspect that he doesn't like his brother much.

So I thought to myself; hey! this could be my niche.

When I got married I received a hideous wedding present from my former step-mother, a woman who doesn't like me much. It was an acceptable gift in terms of value and quality. The evil woman would know very well though, that I would crinch at the sight of a heart-decorated glass bowl.

Save-face wedding presents for people you despise is a very marketable concept. With a fancy frame added to my colour blobs, you can with a perfectly clear conscience hand it to that best friend who stole your boyfriend, or the annoyingly perfect cousin.

The paintings I can't sell, I shall simply give away to people who are too polite to say "No thanks, it's hideous".

International Kiss a Swede Day

2009-04-24T04:37:00.002+08:00

...it only happens once a year. Make the most of it!

Crispy dog

2009-04-23T16:57:00.002+08:00

Walkers Crisps have launched a new series of flavours. They were composed by asking the general public for suggestions, and consists of flavour combinations such as Chilli & Chocolate, Fish & Chips, Cajun Squirrel (may contain traces of nuts?).

Unfortunately I missed the call for flavours. Otherwise I would have suggested the following, which would have been big hits on the Asian market. I'm sure.

Walker's Puppies & Kittens Crisps

Walker's Jellyfish & Placenta Crisps

Walker's Shark Fin Crisps

Walker's Yellow Snow Crisps (would have an international following - it could be beer!)

Walker's Sushi Crisps

Anyway...

Main course or just a snack?

2009-04-23T11:56:00.001+08:00

This is from a song - no idea the title, the band or anything else apart from:

"You think you are special but all you are to a polar bear is food"

Puts life in perspective.

Hush!

2009-04-22T23:58:00.005+08:00

My friend R sometimes finds it challenging to stop herself from thinking out loud.

She had recently decided to "spice things up" at home. Being a rather shy and reserved person, she was horrified at the thought of walking into the sort of shop that would normally sell the "electronic additive" she was after. A postal order from similar places was out of the question -in case the parcel would end up at the neighbours', or the return address reveal to the postman what goes on in her bedroom.

Instead she set out to search "regular" home shopping websites, thinking that sex toys are so accepted nowadays they should be available from most places.

So it was while sitting at work, searching Amazon.com, that her brain went into to talking mode and she exclaimed in frustration:

-Oh, surely a vibrator is a small home appliance!

Time to KISS A SWEDE again

2009-04-21T00:47:00.004+08:00

I've just realised that my favourite day of the year is rapidly approaching. No matter who you are, or where you live, the INTERNATIONAL KISS A SWEDE DAY should be noted, preferably celebrated.
I'm not entirely sure when this tradition started. I'm guessing a couple of girlfriends dove into a tub of wine one night and decided to give themselves a snog-every-guy-at-the-party justification. I salute them!
It's the 24th April - mark your calendars and go search out a Swede.
I'll be in Happy Valley.

Placidity

2009-04-19T05:32:00.002+08:00

I know! I'm just as bored as you guys are! Nothing's happening! Zip. Not a sausage.

Thieving

2009-04-09T18:36:00.002+08:00

I've never understood why the Easter Bunny brings eggs. Did he steal them from the Easter Chicken?

Sometimes it takes a lion

2009-04-08T01:59:00.007+08:00

I was 16 when I was first exposed to jazz. I had talked my teachers into sending me to a "Weekend for the Environment" course.

There I met a boy, who used to be a Svensson or Andersson or maybe Larsson, but was now Lion-island.

He had a motorbike, he was fabulous, and much older than I was. What can I say!

Lion-island took me out of the student hostel, and with the help of the fake ID I carried, took me into one of the "in-clubs" (for environmentalists) where jazz was the only item on the menu.

Being born cynical, I found Mr Lion-island just as pretentious as he was. I did like the jazz though. I still do!

Very much so.

Many years later, my father and I found jazz a common ground to get the evil stepmother out of the room.

Easter fun

2009-04-06T17:49:00.004+08:00

Seldom has the approaching Easter holiday been so welcome. Among the four teachers in my centre 3 are suffering from a cold, 2 are in mourning, 1 is contemplating suicide after a bad break-up, 1 is finding it very difficult to cheer up the rest, 1 has back problems, 1 is tired of living in Hong Kong, 2 are tired of the students.

We are not a very cheerful bunch. 3 days to go.

What to say?

2009-04-03T05:45:00.004+08:00

A close friend died tonight. She was hit by a car.

I know because her boyfriend used the "last dialled number" function on her mobile phone.

She rang me yesterday. I wasn't terribly busy but I didn't feel like a chat. I rejected the call. Guess how well I feel right now!

Ssssssseriously?

2009-04-01T22:33:00.003+08:00

I think Snakes on a Plane is one of the best movies ever made.
I'm not being sarcastic, I really like it. I watch it every few months crawled up in bed, laughing hysterically, scared witless and amused beyond control.
After each viewing, I carefully check under the duvet cover, under the bed and the dining table. If there are no snakes in sight I turn out the light and go to sleep. Inevitably I then wake up a few hours later, convinced something is crawling in my bed.

I'm not entirely sure why I put myself through this madness time after time. I suppose I quite like that for a few hours I can let go of all rational thought and just behave like a crazy person.
I should add perhaps that I only do this in private.

Give me a carrot

2009-03-31T11:41:00.003+08:00

I'm putting myself through a self-imposed detox/health kick. After months of minimal energy levels and feeling under the weather, I have decided that drastic measures are required. It's fascinating how a healthy lifestyle is really very good for your health.

Labelling

2009-03-31T11:32:00.004+08:00

R suggested that perhaps I ought to start introducing him as "my boyfriend" rather than some nondescript person I just bumped into. The conversation sent me into a complete "Wohoo, there's my bus - gotta run!" state.

Ironically, I have actually referred to him as "my boyfriend" a number of times when he's not been around. Now that we are officially adding labels, however, I can't help but feel that I'm sitting in a moving roller-coaster not entirely sure if I like speed.

Time will tell.

2009-03-27T03:47:00.001+08:00

You're welcome!

2009-03-26T17:48:00.005+08:00

It's good to know that my kind are still appreciated in some places.

Did you sit on the football?

2009-03-25T11:31:00.002+08:00

Hong Kong is getting ready for the Rugby 7s. Out in Mong Kok, students and staff return to the centre with reports of player sightings in the area. Not knowing much about the players, or the teams, or the sport for that matter, we all still rush out onto the street hoping to spot one. We're like ornithologist chasing rare breeds.
Personally, I have discovered a definite physical attraction to Pacific Islanders. A fact, you might think, that I ought to have realised some 13 years ago when I lived in Hawaii.
I can be a bit slow on the uptake.

Planet of the Danes

2009-03-23T21:29:00.003+08:00

UK Government X-files have been released.
In them one can read that the top secret MoD Department, was in 1989 investigating the claims by a Norwich-based woman that she had had a conversation with an alien. She described the alien as having a Scandinavian accent. What the Government Department concluded did not follow the story, but I think we can be pretty certain that "the alien" was in fact a drunk Dane. It's an easy mistake to make.

Do not sponsor me

2009-03-21T16:30:00.012+08:00

It's that time of the year again, when my mailbox fills up with "sponsor me" requests. On principle I never sponsor anyone, with anything. Not a sausage!

Why not you might wonder. Well...

1) I think the very vast majority of the physical challenges people sign up to do are stupid and ill-advised. Especially running a marathon. Why would I ever want to encourage my friends to participate in something that will damage knees and joints; not to mention hold up traffic for the better part of a day?

2) I find it immensely irritating that people have to justify their stupidity by pretending to be running for a charitable cause. It's hypocritical. No one runs a marathon for someone else. It a stupid enough thing to do for yourself, let alone for someone who isn't even around to laugh at you as you collapse on the finishing line.

3) I applaud the willingness to raise money and awareness for a charitable cause. However, if this was indeed the main motive, rather than a selfish need to feel a false sense of accomplishment, a simple donation request without attachment would do just fine. I don't understand why my friends think I am more likely to donate money because they promise to torture themselves for a few hours.

I once offered to match the total amount raised, if my friend returned the sponsor money and didn't run the marathon. I even told her I'd throw in an extra GBP20. She ran anyway.

I give monetary support to a Girls' School in Rajasthan. It is a fantastic cause where every cent goes towards building a brighter future for a few hundred girls otherwise condemned to a poverty-stricken and illiterate life. If anyone would like to give a donation, feel free to get in touch.

I promise I will not run, climb, trek or in any other way physically exert myself just because I'm passing on your money.

Moving water

2009-03-20T18:17:00.003+08:00

The Telegraph has posted an absolute gem of a listing today with the top 20 stupid questions tourist asked by tourists.

It includes queries such as; why they built Windsor Castle on the flight path of Heathrow; if there were any undiscovered ruins in the area; who's performing in the circus on Piccadilly; and what direction north is in Australia.

S and I were recently blessed with another fantastic question of similar caliber. Discussing Victoria Harbour and the problems of flooding in HK one lovely girl asked;

- So why can they not just move the water in the harbour?

-.................Well, it's not a lake. It's part of the Pacific Ocean.

- Yeah, so can they not just shift some water to the rest of that ocean?

Too much sleep and not enough wine...no, wait!

2009-03-19T14:16:00.003+08:00

I ended up having a very spontaneous boozing session last night and arrived at work somewhere between "still drunk" and "sobering up". At this level I laugh hysterically at pretty much everything. I also talk non-stop. I then laugh hysterically at my own jokes. It makes my students feel like superstars.

In my lesson I asked, How many letters are there in the English alphabet?

One student replied; 24, ET has gone home.
I'm still laughing.

The hangover had better kick in soon!

Career moves

2009-03-17T13:25:00.001+08:00

- So how comes you're looking for a new job?
- Well, my job isn't very outgoing. I would like to meet more strange people.
-...you mean "strangers".
- Is there a difference?
- Rarely.

Memorising rubbish

2009-03-12T11:44:00.001+08:00

The Thursday Night Pub Quiz is turning me into an insane person. I just checked the cricket news!

Wednesday fun

2009-03-11T10:58:00.001+08:00

Here's a little quiz for my bored readers. It shows snapshots of computer programmers and serial killers. Your task is to guess which one is which.

Programmer or Killer?

Oldest problem in the book

2009-03-10T21:51:00.002+08:00

On my second day as a TV owner, I have been struck with an age-old problem - there is nothing to watch!

67 channels, and not one is particularly interesting. I feel cheated.

TV

2009-03-10T13:59:00.004+08:00

I have finally given in and bought a TV. Never having been much of a TV person, I can remember every single TV I've owned.

My first TV was red and had belonged to my auntie. It was old already in 1994. Instead of a remote control I used a long stick, made out of rulers and pens duck-taped together.

My second TV was a birthday present from my friends in Russia. It was black-and-white and smelled like gasoline. In addition to being a TV, it also served as a home to Igor, my pet cockroach. It was the only TV in the corridor, so my flat became a gathering place for important events such as the Eurovision Song Contest and the Ice Hockey World Championships.

My third TV, P gave me for Christmas because he couldn't stand that coming over to my place meant missing East Enders, Coronation Street and other important soaps.

TV number 4 is now sitting in my flat. Hooked up to my CD-thingie, which is really a pretty cool sound system, I'm liking it!

Irrelevant?

2009-03-09T13:24:00.002+08:00

Mother's attempts to have me move home and produce grandchildren has reached a new low-point. She is threatening to sign me up for the Swedish docusoap "Farmer seeks Wife".

- Are you insane? I asked her.

- But, you like animals!

- Cats and dogs, yes. I'm scared of cows!

- You'll get over it.

The future of cosmetics

2009-03-09T12:07:00.003+08:00

The other day I bought a vibrating mascara. Well, the brush vibrates, not the mascara itself. Supposedly it gives you longer lashes. I can tell no difference. The only difference is a new-found nervousness as I am not entirely comfortable with the idea of putting a vibrating brush next to my eye.

This mascara is joining an already established line of vibrating bathroom products - toothbrushes, razors, nail files.
The next step will surely be to find solutions for making the toiletries themselves vibrate.
Vibrating Shampoo - no hands needed!
Vibrating Toothpaste - no brush needed!
Vibrating Nail polish - you're going to miss anyway!
Vibrating Body lotion...

I'm trying to keep it clean but I'm sure your filthy minds can think of less pure-of-mind applications.

Devil's in the details

2009-03-09T11:44:00.003+08:00

It's always those little things that annoy me.

If you every day buy take-away food from the same place, and one day you arrive to work without chopsticks. When my morning cafe forgets to send along a spoon with my yoghurt. When my fresh orange juice is so clearly not fresh.

It's insignificant! I would never dream of going back to complain. It's never going to change. I will always need a spare set of chopsticks.

I feel like I've hit a wall.

Mother is here

2009-03-06T09:23:00.000+08:00

Roxette

2009-03-04T01:52:00.001+08:00

I had a complete Crash, Boom, Bang moment tonight.

Unfortunately, I ran into the same guy a few hours later when he was drunk stupid and it all turned into bang, boom, crash.

Nevermind!

Just a talking monkey now

2009-03-02T11:38:00.004+08:00

I'm a great decision maker in business. I'm a notoriously bad decision maker in private. I therefore recently decided to outsource Marie's decision making. I thought it would make my life more enjoyable.
My friend objected:
So you have incapacitated yourself! Is this not a bit drastic? Just to avoid getting into an argument.
I don't think so. I have bananas.

Stinky the Fish

2009-03-01T17:11:00.002+08:00

I was watching Prison Break last night, and Stinky-the-cat, who was snuggled up next to me, must have been inspired.

As I opened the front door today, Stinky launched herself past my feet and into the corridor. Once there she rushed past the lift, searching for her get-out. A minute or so later, she realised she was trapped and strolled back with a disappointed look on her little face.

I picked her up, gave her some treats and reminded her that the boys on the TV were much better prepared. I also asked if she really thought of our home as a prison.

She gave me a look that I interpreted as:

"More like a psych-ward. Dude, you're talking to a cat!"

Talking to Mother

2009-02-28T12:52:00.003+08:00

The beautiful thing about Mother is that when I'm taking the piss, she believes every word I say.

- There's a new stir-fried POODLE restaurant around the corner from where I live. I thought we could try it out when you get here.

- Oh, no...don't take me there. I'll cry. It's horrible! Why would they eat poodles...

However, when I am telling her the truth, she doesn't believe a word of it.

- This blog-thingie of yours. You don't write about me, do you?

- All the time.

- Yeah, yeah, sure you do!

It's a win-win situation really.

Needles and pins

2009-02-28T12:34:00.004+08:00

- What I really need is a dirty weekend away, I confessed to my friend C yesterday. I just don't have anyone I want to be dirty with.
- Well, I can be dirty with you. How about Thailand? I was planning to go for this half-day full medical check-up in Thailand anyway.
- You want to go for a medical check-up during a dirty weekend away?
- Eh, yes...I think this is why I'm still single.

This could open up for a whole new type of package holidays. Out with couple's massage, in with side-by-side MRIs. So hot!

Breakfast TV

2009-02-28T10:20:00.006+08:00

If you plan to eat ever again, you should not watch the following clip. S sent it to me to enjoy at breakfast.

If, like myself, you are fascinated by the Chinese complete lack of respect for animal life, then go ahead. It does give the term "fast food" a whole new meaning.

I wonder if I should send Mother a link in preparation for her Hong Kong visit?

Missing the point

2009-02-27T11:57:00.002+08:00

- Missy, Missy. Can you help?

- My name is Marie.

- ??

- My name is not Missy, it's Marie.

- Oh, ok.

- How can I help?

...

- Ahhh. Thank you Missy!

- Marie.

- Yes. Thank you Missy.

- (BIG SIGH)

Stoned

2009-02-27T11:43:00.002+08:00

We came 2nd last night, in the pub quiz. It was about time. We've been suffering through a number of 5th,6th, 7th...last places lately.
Last night also introduced me to the effects of mixing certain pharmaceuticals with alcohol. It was...interesting.

No, not crazy...backache!

2009-02-25T12:08:00.006+08:00

My doctor is a bit of a lunatic. I love her. Not only is she an excellent person, she is also a very liberal drug prescriber. I trust her completely (and I like prescription drugs) so I happily pop any pills she passes my way. Through a slipped disk, acute gastroenteritis and bronchitis, I have munched my way through quite a cocktail.

I recently realised though, that a drug she's prescribed on more than one occasion is an anti-depressant. I had to ask her about it; did she think I was depressed?

-No, no! she replied. But, we all get a bit down when we're not feeling well. The pills will help you relax, sleep a bit better and recover faster.

There was a logic in this. I could accept it.

Suffering from back pain again, I went to see my crazy, beloved GP this morning. Handing me a bag-full of anti-inflammatories she added:

That's all I can do without giving you something that will knock you out. Do you want something that will knock you out? I can sign you off work for a few days.

I must admit that I was really tempted to slip into a drug induced coma for a few days. Work-guilt, however, made me pass on the offer.

-What about at night though? she continued. I'll give you something that will make you sleep really well. Don't take it before you're in bed - it's fast acting...and probably best not to drink alcohol.

-Is this another psychopharma?

- Yes, it's GREAT!

Having googled it, I am pleased to inform you that for the next week I will be sleeping on a highly addictive muscle relaxant, normally prescribed for severe anxiety, but with some pleasant sedative/hypnotic effects. It is also a strong amnesiac so I don't expect to remember much of the week ahead.

Can't wait until bedtime!

Why dead?

2009-02-25T00:41:00.004+08:00

I try to anticipate my students' replies and reactions. I often get it right...not always.

To practise improvised story-telling, I typed up a number of silly questions. One read:

"Why are you walking around with a dead fish?"

I expected the story to revolve around why they had A FISH in their hand. Instead, every single student focused on the fact that the fish was DEAD.

Fish mongers in Hong Kong sell fish from tanks, poured into water-filled plastic bags where it can happily (?) swim about until cooking time. An already dead fish would warrant complaints. Silly me!

Events of the weekend...

2009-02-24T13:18:00.002+08:00

I found out that it's illegal to own a pet dog in Reykjavik.

I laughed at S's insistence on calling waiting staff "my dear", be it a male or female waiter.

I OTTed on hiking again.

I decided to spend Easter with C in Sing-a-ling.

That was all!

Schadenfreude

2009-02-19T14:45:00.008+08:00

Grandmother claims that the only true happiness is the one that comes from taking pleasure in other people's misfortune.

Japanese scientists have now proven Grandmother right (well,-ish). It was previously believed that schadenfreude belonged in the same brain area as jealousy. Instead it's our pleasure centre, the one that's stimulated by sex and good food, that lights up when we are enjoying the failures of others.

So, for those of us who are expecting neither sex nor good food today, here's something to light up our brains with.

People falling over

Vrummmmmm

2009-02-17T11:43:00.005+08:00

I'm going to the TOP GEAR LIVE SHOW on Sunday. I'm excited as a virgin on prom night.

I am also a bit apprehensive (not unlike the virgin I would imagine) seeing as I know exactly nil about cars. If the show somehow involves the audience, I am destined to be dragged up on stage. They always pick on me - in concerts, at Disneyland...

I like looking at cars. I like riding in cars. I think that it's cool when a cool guy has a cool car. Outside of that, I don't pay attention. I don't know how to drive them and have therefore never owned one. My knowledge of cars ends somewhere around being able to change a tyre (I know I can do this because I have once).

Back when I was "we" and "we" owned a car, I was asked what kind of car we owned.
-It's red; I would say, not in any way trying to act funny.

If, on Sunday, I am pulled up on stage and asked about my favourite car, I have decided to go with a BLUE VOLVO - because blue is pretty and Volvo is Swedish.

Mother's going travelling

2009-02-16T11:21:00.007+08:00

Mother is travelling to Australia in March, with a very quick stop in Hong Kong.

From having been at least moderately adventurous, Mother has of late developed a fear of the unknown. For months, she has desperately been trying to find an excuse why she can't possibly undertake this journey- from consulting doctors for her dicky heart, to complaining about the cost.

I think she has actually convinced herself that the trip will kill her off. In her true morbid spirit, she's therefore found it appropriate to phone around to all her kids detailing her newly drawn last will and testament. Adding "is there anything else that you'd like from the house". As all my siblings are used to Mother's insanity by now, I think we all answered something like: "Funny you should mention it. I have been thinking about this since I heard that you were going to Australia. I have a list. It's quite long..."

Other comments made recently:

- About that clear plastic bag. How am I going to be able to use the deodorant if I have to keep in the clear plastic bag? I will have to take it out - will they know if I do that? What happens if they find out?

- I am just going to stay in your flat. I don't want to walk around in Hong Kong. I don't want to catch something. I'll just stay at home with the cats.

- Ok, ok. I suppose I can leave the flat but I am not eating in any restaurants. God knows what they'll serve me. I don't want to eat Poodle!!

Cheap as chips

2009-02-12T18:29:00.003+08:00

As a result of the financial crisis, Honkians are selling their private club memberships at bargain prices!

A bulle anyone?

2009-02-12T11:08:00.005+08:00

An Australian Marine has been attacked by a shark in Sydney Harbour (while diving). He lived, but that's not why I'm relaying the story.

I read about this in a Swedish newspaper. Reading it, I thought to myself how nice it is when words are directly translatable. The man was a attacked by a bull shark - in Swedish, a tjurhaj. I then started thinking what I might have called it, had I not now known that it's tjurhaj. The most likely option was bullhaj.

Bull, or bulle, is Swedish for cinnamon bun. Suddenly I could picture the shark swimming around with a big tray of buns, offering the other fishes.

The shark looked a bit like Mother.

Check-up

2009-02-12T03:19:00.006+08:00

September time last year, I told myself to take a year off from making decisions.

Not because my decisions up to that point had been bad. In fact, I can honestly say that I have not regretted anything I've ever done or not done in my life. I do, however, think that I jumped before I could fly. So, I reckoned a year of crawling would do wonders.

Being half-way through a year of crawling, I am bored! (as you all expected me to be)! But, I am still having an awful lot of fun.

I need to fly again. though. Not today...but soon!

No need for slalom

2009-02-10T14:07:00.003+08:00

I'm not an adrenaline junkie. I love new experiences and new sights. However, if they involve risking my neck in some way or another, I am happy giving it a miss. This might surprise my frequent readers, but the truth is that I get my kicks in other ways.

I told CH about my plans for another India trip this year. He replied:

India is cool. I like the idea of going to a country where a glass of water or a vegetable can kill you. That's so unlikely in France. Boring. In India I could kill my boss with a tomato!

...and that's spot on the kind of experience that gives me a new lease of life.

Cantonese 101

2009-02-09T14:56:00.004+08:00

ding (v) - to heat food using a microwave. 'Ok to ding'. 'I'm just going to ding it'.

ding ding (n) - a tram. 'Please stop at the ding ding terminal'. 'I'm taking the ding ding to work today'.

Apodysophilia

2009-02-07T12:52:00.004+08:00

One problem, living with two cats, is that at any given point in time, there's an infinite amount of cat hair covering just about everything in my flat. Even after hours of vacuuming, when every possible surface is sparkling clean, there's still cat hair lingering around in the air.

This makes it pretty much impossible to leave my flat cat hair free. One tactic, which works reasonably well, is to wait to the very last minute before putting clothes on.

THIS is the reason why my neighbours can enjoy frequent peep shows. It has very little to do with my exhibitionist side.

Fallacy

2009-02-07T10:52:00.005+08:00

A HK newspaper recently reported that a famous local pianist had been arrested under suspicion of domestic violence.

He had responded that, as everyone knows, artists do not hit people, so he couldn't possibly be guilty.

Wraith or wine

2009-02-05T11:25:00.003+08:00

I'm not even embarrassed to admit that last night I chose to watch 4 back-to-back episodes of Stargate SG-1 over popping down to my local.

...well, maybe a little bit.

Cause and effect

2009-02-03T10:22:00.003+08:00

- Are you scared of snakes?, I asked the student who had just declared himself fearless.
- No, no. I eat snakes.
- Yes, of course, silly me! All kinds of snakes, or do you have a preference?
- Those big ones, that strangles goats.
- Pythons.
- Yes. I had two bowls of python soup every day for 3 years.
- Wow, you must really like python soup.
- No, it's not very nice but it will clear up acne.
- How old were you when you did this?
- Between 15 and 18.
- So when you stopped eating python soup at 18, your acne had cleared up.
- Yes, amazing.
- Yes. New vocabulary to look up: puberty

Revelations

2009-02-01T03:27:00.002+08:00

Tonight I was told that:
"Now that I've talked to you, I've realised that you're not just a piece of meat. There's actually more to you than just a beautiful face and fantastic breasts."

I really wish someone would take it upon themselves to educate men in the art of picking-up.

I knew it!

2009-01-30T16:36:00.000+08:00

Optimism

2009-01-30T14:46:00.003+08:00

One pub quiz question last night was:

If you are standing south of the tropic of capricorn and looking at the sun - does the sun move from your left to right or from your right to left?

When the answer was revealed, a girl at the table next to us could be heard saying "At least we came close!"

Tallest vs dumbest

2009-01-30T14:41:00.002+08:00

I recently read an interview with Bao Xishun, the world's tallest, living man. The first question was:
- Have you always been this tall?

Disillusioned

2009-01-28T04:36:00.010+08:00

If a man tells a woman that he's not interested in anything but hanging out, having a few drinks and a chat, we (well, at least I) will take that for what it is - a drink and a chat.

In HK, if a woman tells a man the same thing, she immediately turns into the fox of a hunting party.

I enjoy talking to you but I don't want to lead you on. I don't do married men. So, nothing is going to happen. Nothing. Really. No, really!

And yet they keep pursuing.

Hong Kong is an infidelity buffet, and I'm most definitely a vegetarian.

Speaking of cats (I only have 2)

2009-01-27T13:45:00.003+08:00

...have I told you that Stinky ate my goldfish? I arrived home one day to find the fish tank empty and a very pleased Stinky sitting next to it, licking her paws. She gave me a guilty look saying: "What? It wasn't me. It was like this when I got here, man!".

The fish were called Lunch and Breakfast. I suppose they were doomed from the start.

How to kill a pick-up

2009-01-27T13:21:00.004+08:00

- I'm sorry, I said. I've seen you around but we haven't said hello.

- I know, he replied. I see you all the time.

- Oh.

- Like this morning. Were you wearing your pjs?

- Ehh. Well, it was a matter of life and death.

- How?

- I had a no-cat-food crisis at home. My cats are seriously scary when they're hungry.

- How big are your cats?

- Smaller than average.

- How many do you have?

- 54

[Mental note to myself: must stop walking around in pjs]

A dim sum breakthrough

2009-01-26T10:46:00.008+08:00

There's a nasty little dim sum restaurant just a quick hop and skip from my front door. It is run by an evil-looking Chinese woman, who speaks no English and shows an apparent contempt for Gweilos.
I speak no Canto at all, but it's not hard to figure out that the shouting that follows my every take-away order is about me. I'm guessing it's something like:
-That big freak is in here again. Just look at her, her feet are enormous. And what's with the dim sum order at 9.30pm? No one eats dim sum at night. Those Gweilos are so bloody stupid.

In the beginning, I stood idly by as this abuse was going on. The last few weeks though I have been shouting back in the spirit of:
-Yeah, yeah! I know you're talking about me, just get me my order. Come on, hurry up!

This morning, as I popped in to get some early lunch, I was surprised to see the place full of Gweilos. My evil Chinese woman was standing in the corner looking miserable. That was until she saw me. A great big smile spread across her face. From the other side of the room, and in perfect English, she shouted:
HAPPY NEW YEAR!!